Master-class on the science of sex from an experienced psychologist
Why do we lose interest in sex? How to refill the "well of desire"? Can I learn to get more pleasure from intimacy? The answers to these questions are given by the psychologist Emily Nagoski in her book "How the Woman Wants" (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber Publishing House).
Is the well empty?
One day the client asked Emily Nagoski why the "well of desire" is emptying. To this the psychologist replied that there is no well. Much more to compare a shower. Sometimes it has a strong pressure, and sometimes - a weak one. To wash it will turn out in any case, but depending on conditions it will be either pleasant pastime, or the present hard labor.
So with sex life. Context - psychological attitude and external circumstances - affects the ability to experience excitement, as well as enjoy the process. At the same time each of us has its own system of incentives, which strengthen and weaken the "pressure" of desire. For example, if one person "starts" only in crowded places, then for another, the same situation can be a negative factor.
Exciting and discouraging factors
To improve the intimate life, you first need to understand what exactly excites and discourages you. To do this, make two lists. In the first list all the circumstances that help you to experience desire, and in the other - factors that prevent you from tune in to pleasure.
Here is a small crib. Remember the most successful erotic moments in your life and write down the answers to the questions:
"What did you look like?"
- How did you feel?
- In what mood were you?
- What was your partner (appearance, smell, behavior and so on)?
- In what ways were you? How often did you meet? Did you have an emotional intimacy?
- Where and in what setting did you have sex?
- Do you remember any special circumstances (for example, it happened on vacation)?
- What kind of actions did you and your partner do?
And now think about the most unpleasant sexual experience and describe the details using the same clue.
Large bath, growing impatience and warm socks
Among the positive incentives can be anything. For example, someone excites tenderness and a special attitude of a partner. For one of the clients of Emily Nagoski, the most impressive erotic signal was big baths in hotels. When the girl realized this, then immediately started a house repair.
Another woman found that she gets the greatest pleasure from intimacy, when the partner gradually "drives" her during the day with the help of hints and flirting. She talked to her husband - and their sexual relations were normal. In general, you now know how to act.
However, do not forget that some factors make it difficult to have fun. Even if you surround yourself with positive erotic signals, dampening circumstances can spoil everything. Sometimes it's quite easy to eliminate them. For example, during one study, men could not reach orgasm until they were allowed to wear socks. It turns out that the subjects just froze.
If you are too cold, take a blanket. Torturing? Turn on the air conditioner. Distracted noisy neighbors? Wait for a quiet time or find another place. But these are only external circumstances. Much more important is what happens in your head. With this and try to understand now.
Stress
Any stress is perceived by the human brain as an immediate threat to life. The heavy workload at work, the conflicts with colleagues, the boss-tyrant - for your nervous system are all the same as the hungry lion that rides towards you. Of course, under such conditions, you do not have sex at all.
According to psychologists, it is not enough to solve the problem that caused stress. It is still necessary to give the brain a signal that everything is in order. For this, you can do sports, meditate, sleep properly, go to a massage or just cry and scream to get rid of accumulated negative emotions.
Self-criticism
Surveys conducted among women showed that those who are dissatisfied with their own body and are prone to attacks of self-abasement are much more difficult to experience the pleasure of sex. And not surprisingly. It's hard to rejoice in intimacy, if in the process you are constantly worried about whether your breasts are erotically bouncing erotically and whether the partner has noticed an excess wrinkle on his stomach.
Learn to love your body the way it is. Regularly consider it in the mirror and note all the dignities. Force internal criticism to remain silent. By the way, this applies not only to the exterior. You do not have to endure endlessly because of your failures and mistakes. This way of thinking can only lead to depression. Instead, try to treat yourself with kindness and compassion.
Distrust of a partner
Another factor that significantly affects our ability to experience sexual desire is confidence in one's chosen one.
In many cases, mistrust is difficult to justify. It can be associated with a previous unsuccessful experience. For example, if parents have not paid enough attention to you or you have already experienced an unpleasant break, then you will most likely have a fear of another disappointment.
And what in the end? You will either begin to torment your partner with jealousy and excessive obsession, or, on the contrary, will stay too distant and cold. Of course, relations with it will not be better.
Try to calmly understand your feelings. Do not blame either yourself or your partner. Just admit that they have you. Think about how you can cope with them. Sometimes conscious meditation helps, once you just need to cry, and sometimes the best means is to share your thoughts with your lover. Only you are able to find a suitable method.
More about how to work with internal and external factors affecting our sex life - in the book "How does a woman want."